Our oldest, Little Miss, and me on her adoption day.
Little Miss and Roo on a ride at a California theme park.
Roo and friends on a carnival ride.
Parenting isn’t easy — biological or otherwise. Don’t kid yourself that biological kids are any easier than foster or adopted kids, or that because they’re biological they won’t have issues and problems. We all have issues and problems. Nobody makes it out of childhood and into adulthood without any scars, bumps, or bruises.
Everybody has misconceptions about foster-adoption: all foster kids are damaged goods, all adoptive parents are saints, all social workers are liars. The list goes on, and it covers the entire spectrum. I had my own misconceptions about foster/adoption myself. I read every book in the library about adoption, foster parenting, and adopting older kids. I thought all that reading would prepare me for parenthood. Wrong! Nothing can prepare you for parenthood.
The only difference between foster parenting and parenting a biological kid is that you can “send back” a foster kid. And that’s the problem. When things get tough with your biological kid, you tough it out. But when things get tough with a foster kid, it’s the assumption — and the norm — that they can just be removed and sent to another home.
I’m not suggesting that the decision to disrupt is easy, or that any foster parent looks at their foster children as disposable. Only the coldest person could take a child into their home and not have their heart wrenched out of their chest when they realize that they can’t provide this child with the parenting or services that he or she needs. That is why it is vitally important to know what your limits are ahead of time.
Our social worker was overjoyed to learn that we were willing to take on “hard cases”, but we have our limits too. There are many children who have been referred to us, who broke my heart because I had to say, “No, I don’t think I’m capable of parenting this child.” But my philosophy is that I’d much rather say “No” in the beginning, when I see red flags that I believe are beyond my limits, than to get in over my head and be faced with the question of whether or not to disrupt.
Our philosophy is that once a child walks through our front door to stay, he or she is here to stay No Matter What. So I try to mitigate our risks by limiting the things that might come up in “No Matter What” scenarios. I can never predict the future, but by saying “No” to some children, I reduce the risks. The worst thing I think I could do would be to take a child into my home only to realize later that I overestimated my ability to be the parent he or she needs and have to have the child sent to yet another home.
One of the people who had the biggest impact on our decision to adopt was our instructor for the course we took as part of our adoption home study requirements. At the end of the course, she told us a heart breaking story of her very troubled son who ended up taking his own life. With tears in her eyes, she told us that if she had to do it all over again, knowing what would happen, and knowing that nothing she could do would change the outcome, she would do it all over again. In a heartbeat. Because it’s worth it.
Raising our daughters isn’t always easy. There have been pain and struggles, and many tearful days and nights. But there has also been joy. Watching our eldest grow and transform from the child she was when she came home to the young woman she’s becoming now — there’s nothing more rewarding in this world. Watching and helping our youngest overcome some of her challenges has been amazing. There are many moments of laughter and closeness. Some days just slide by with nothing terribly good or terribly bad happening, and life is just life. Some days are rocky, some days we’re all on cloud nine. It’s never easy — but it’s always worth it. I wouldn’t trade our kids for anything.
Kimberly Gonzalez, EngageWisconsin Blogger
Kimberly Gonzalez lives in a rural village near Madison with her husband, two daughters, and a cat. She is a foster and adoptive mom, and was herself adopted at birth. “Scenes from the Broken Road,” a series of vignettes recounting the adoption of her first daughter, was published in A Cup of Comfort for Adoptive Families in 2009. She is also a freelance copy editor and proofreader and enjoys making money by reading sf/f books. Every now and then she even reads one just for fun. Her web site touches on all of her interests as a reader, writer, freelance copyeditor & proofreader, and foster & adoptive mom.
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